Bruce Wayne gives up Playboy lifestyle to become a Minster/Inspirational Leader at A/A meetings across the country.
But now the question is, Bruce Wayne—caped crusader? Or Beetlejuice? You decide.
Keep Pressing On
Written by STFU Superman on January 13th, 2010
What does it take to make a Vampire sparkle?
Written by STFU Superman on January 10th, 2010
Here at STFU we wonder exactly what it takes to make these new age vampires sparkle. Is it the magic of CGI? Or just magic? Has Tiffany’s endorsed and embraced the Underworld of vampires at long last by supplying them with umlimited selections of the finest cuts of their rubies and diamonds and topaz?
We want to hear your thoughts! What do you think makes The Cullens shimmer and shine like a disco ball at Mardi Gras?
The Crash of ‘97
Written by STFU Superman on November 2nd, 2009
After a decade of silence, Batman finally sits down with STFU Superman! to speak candidly about what many Gotham City residents refer to as “The Crash of ‘97.”
Batman agreed to meet me in the lounge of the W Hotel in downtown Gotham. I was hoping for a visit to the famed rooftop that is home to the Bat-Signal, but there have been reports that he no longer allows any journalists to get close to the signal since The Joker posed as a Fox News anchor and well…we all know how that ended.
The lounge is steely and dim with a lot of optical illusions involving water and the letter ‘W.’ I see Batman in a corner booth. He doesn’t bother to signal me. He’s looking at his watch.
STFU: I have to say, I was kind of surprised that you wanted to meet at such a swank, public place.
BATMAN: I prefer alleys and fire escapes, but then that would make me feel like I’m at work.
STFU: Ha, right…right. Can we get some canned questions out of the way? I have superiors to answer to, you know.
BATMAN: *silence*
He doesn’t answer but I can see him blink through the cowl, so I take this as an affirmative response.
STFU: You wear variations on your, uh…uniforms. Do the different suits and capes signify anything in particular?
BATMAN: I wear dressier capes for travel. Sort of like sports teams that have home and away jerseys.
STFU: You DO have a sense of humor!
BATMAN: Who said I didn’t?
STFU: Everyone?
BATMAN: Oh.
STFU: Are you dating anyone?
BATMAN: You tell me. Aren’t you a gossip blogger?
STFU: Well, damn. Ok, do you hang out with other super heroes as Batman, or as whoever you really are?
BATMAN: Depends.
STFU: On what?
BATMAN: If our powers are compatible.
STFU: You don’t have any actual powers.
BATMAN: Exactly. I can’t fly, so if I’m talking to Superman, it’s best if we’re not wearing capes while we shoot pool.
STFU: Superman plays pool? What is the point of that? Doesn’t he just beat you at everything?
BATMAN: That’s a boring question.
STFU: Do you hate The Joker?
Batman leans back into the booth cushion and his cape makes the sound of a balloon when you rub the surface with your thumb.
BATMAN: No. *long pause* But didn’t you want to ask about something else?
STFU: Yes. What happened in 1997? You and Robin were wearing silver zig-zags on your costumes with nipples and Gotham City felt like you had become a joke. What was going on and why have you refused to talk about it until now?
BATMAN: I haven’t talked about it until now because frankly, I don’t see what the big fucking deal was. I was still doing my job protecting the citizens of Gotham, Robin was doing his job. I mean, he comes from circus people, what do you expect? We were trying something new, people complain that I’m too serious, I switch things up, and they hate it.
STFU: Like New Coke?
BATMAN: Bad analogy. No one had actually complained about the old Coke.
STFU: But c’mon, Batgirl? Is it true that she was brought into the fold in order to dispel persistent rumors that you and Robin were lovers?
BATMAN: Oh God…I hate you.
STFU: You hate me, and not The Joker?
BATMAN: Exactly.
Bite Me
Written by STFU Superman on October 7th, 2009
Sources close to the mysterious symbiote Venom confirm that the black and white clad alien has filed a formal complaint against his dentist. An opportunistic dental hygienist allegedly sold a plaster impression of Venom’s teeth to a British collector of oddities for $10,000.
It has been reported that upon hearing news of the theft, Venom trashed the dentist’s Malibu office. A half-eaten chair was discovered in the reception area, and the words “It’s Me Bitches” were spray-painted on the wall.
An important question remains unanswered: Who is Venom currently bonded with? Mick Jagger? Lady Gaga?
Well…uhhh…mm.
Written by STFU Superman on September 14th, 2009
Here at STFU Superman(!), we believe that it’s totally fine for everyone to explore the darker side of the self. Without such exploration, there would be no drive-thru liquor stores, deep-fried Oreos, prostitution or crack. We need all of these things to balance the world and keep a diverse population sated and medicated.
What we can’t support is the idea that if you put on a black Matrix duster and platform motorcycle boots that you’re hardcore. Superman is not a goth and he’s not The Punisher.
Sigh…maybe we’re being too presumptuous. This young Superman has something to say and we should just wait and listen.
Plus, shit, it is Fashion Week.
You can run but you can’t hide
Written by STFU Superman on July 23rd, 2009
Barry “The Flash” Allen was spotted outside of a Los Angeles medical center earlier this afternoon. Rumors about his health have continuously plagued the hero, including speculation that regularly defying the laws of physics is causing premature baldness and polluting the environment with an excess of negatively charged ions. Justice Society Headquarters could not be reached for comment.
STFU! invites The Flash to set the record straight.
Captain America Lives, Suck it Jesus!
Written by STFU Superman on June 16th, 2009
I have to say that I’m a little surprised.
Not surprised that Steve Rogers has returned from the dead, but that he chose this sexy chainmaille look for his comeback photo. Rawr.
I hope that he’ll consider some sort of security detail. Crossbones, the Red Skull…this guy obviously attracts the attention of some pretty heavy dudes who like to pretend they’re named after pirates.
Captain America is back, Superman is back, the return of Jesus can’t be far behind. Oh wait, Superman thinks he’s Jesus.
Is this a bitch slap? You make the call.
Written by STFU Superman on June 3rd, 2009
The blogosphere nearly imploded when Superman actually acknowledged the existence of Aquaman on his blog (titled simply, “S”). It seems that a tweet surfaced in which Aquaman called Superman a douche. While we wish the term ‘douche’ would be shelved along with any other expression borne of Long Island vernacular (see: “retarded”), it was kinda funny.
This is what Supes had to say:
“I’m sure that this is not THE REAL Aquaman’s Twitter (emphasis his). I know this guy, I know his heart (emphasis ours). He’s a class act and he hasn’t let the fact that he has no real purpose (because since when has there been an underwater emergency?) get in the way of justice. For dolphins.”
Well. Ok.
Was that supposed to be some sort of compliment? Does anyone know if Superman writes his own blog? btw, I hate the way he signs his posts ‘Kal-El.’ Get over yourself. You’re not Jewish.
Tony Stark shares his thoughts on the secret life of super heroes
Written by STFU Superman on June 3rd, 2009“If you live long enough to see yourself become the villain….someone should have killed you a long time ago.”-Tony Stark
Tony Stark appears at first a loud, arrogant, good time type of character and well, that’s exactly what he is. When we sat down with the man claiming to be Iron Man we asked him why some super heroes choose to remain behind the mask.
“It’s simple really. It’s fear. You fear what people are going to think of you, you fear for your family, your friends,” Tony pauses here to take a long sip of what appears to be scotch.
“But most of all, you fear yourself.”
Wise words from a wise man, no doubt. When asked about another rich bachelor rumoured to be doning the cape and mask, Mr. Stark had this to say;
“Look I’m not pretending I know what the deal is, what Bruce, sorry Mr. Wayne does on his own time in his business. But you have to wonder what a rich man who is single does with all that money.
You can only buy so many cars…and hookers.”
Mr. Stark orders a mixed drink with a wink and a smile from the attractive waitress at the Beverly Hills Hotel. He seems reflective for a moment.
“If you live long enough to see yourself become the villain….someone should have killed you a long time ago.” Mr. Stark laughs.
“I’ll drink to that.” He toasts himself.
Our special on the Secret Life of Super Heroes continued in Part 2
Tony Stark Shocker!
Written by STFU Superman on May 3rd, 2009Who says that rich billionaires have it all? We’ve heard the whispers that Tony Stark, who recently admitted that he is in fact, a quasi-superhero, has his own type of kryptonite! His height!
Photos taken outside Stark Enterprises Robotics division early this week confirm it.
Hey Tony - maybe you need to stop dating supermodels - they’re obviously giving you a complex!
Billionaire Tony Stark outside Stark Robotics