After a decade of silence, Batman finally sits down with STFU Superman! to speak candidly about what many Gotham City residents refer to as “The Crash of ‘97.”

Batman agreed to meet me in the lounge of the W Hotel in downtown Gotham. I was hoping for a visit to the famed rooftop that is home to the Bat-Signal, but there have been reports that he no longer allows any journalists to get close to the signal since The Joker posed as a Fox News anchor and well…we all know how that ended.

The lounge is steely and dim with a lot of optical illusions involving water and the letter ‘W.’ I see Batman in a corner booth. He doesn’t bother to signal me. He’s looking at his watch.

STFU: I have to say, I was kind of surprised that you wanted to meet at such a swank, public place.

BATMAN: I prefer alleys and fire escapes, but then that would make me feel like I’m at work.

STFU: Ha, right…right. Can we get some canned questions out of the way? I have superiors to answer to, you know.

BATMAN: *silence*

He doesn’t answer but I can see him blink through the cowl, so I take this as an affirmative response.

STFU: You wear variations on your, uh…uniforms. Do the different suits and capes signify anything in particular?

BATMAN: I wear dressier capes for travel. Sort of like sports teams that have home and away jerseys.

STFU: You DO have a sense of humor!

BATMAN: Who said I didn’t?

STFU: Everyone?

BATMAN: Oh.

STFU: Are you dating anyone?

BATMAN: You tell me. Aren’t you a gossip blogger?

STFU: Well, damn. Ok, do you hang out with other super heroes as Batman, or as whoever you really are?

BATMAN: Depends.

STFU: On what?

BATMAN: If our powers are compatible.

STFU: You don’t have any actual powers.

BATMAN: Exactly. I can’t fly, so if I’m talking to Superman, it’s best if we’re not wearing capes while we shoot pool.

STFU: Superman plays pool? What is the point of that? Doesn’t he just beat you at everything?

BATMAN: That’s a boring question.

STFU: Do you hate The Joker?

Batman leans back into the booth cushion and his cape makes the sound of a balloon when you rub the surface with your thumb.

BATMAN: No. *long pause* But didn’t you want to ask about something else?

STFU: Yes. What happened in 1997? You and Robin were wearing silver zig-zags on your costumes with nipples and Gotham City felt like you had become a joke. What was going on and why have you refused to talk about it until now?

BATMAN: I haven’t talked about it until now because frankly, I don’t see what the big fucking deal was. I was still doing my job protecting the citizens of Gotham, Robin was doing his job. I mean, he comes from circus people, what do you expect? We were trying something new, people complain that I’m too serious, I switch things up, and they hate it.

STFU: Like New Coke?

BATMAN: Bad analogy. No one had actually complained about the old Coke.

STFU: But c’mon, Batgirl? Is it true that she was brought into the fold in order to dispel persistent rumors that you and Robin were lovers?

BATMAN: Oh God…I hate you.

STFU: You hate me, and not The Joker?

BATMAN: Exactly.